HOW TO GIVE YOUR WEDDING HEART AND JOY AND EXPERIENCE AND STOKE AND FEELING

AKA Some ways to think outside the box

This one's admittedly a bit rando, but there's so much info out there about how to make your wedding look beautiful that I wanted to give some advice about how to make it feel that way too, from someone who's seen about 250 odd of them at time of writing and thinks a lot about experience.

IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE, DO THIS

I’m probably going to go on a few tangents here and jump all over the shop, so I’m going to get the main point out of the way straight off the bat.

QUESTION. EVERYTHING.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - literally the only thing you have to do on your wedding day is have a registered celebrant say a couple of sentences. The rest is entirely up to you. Question the norms, question the needs, and most of all question the traditions that don’t make any sense to you.

Weddings, by virtue of their history, have a lot of traditions baked into them. Some are great, and legitimately add meaning and emotion and experience. Some of them, on the other hand, don’t really make a whole lot of sense anymore.

An example - wedding cakes. I often see people drop large sums of money on these big tiered monstrosities. Are you a massive sweet-tooth or is baking your happy place? If so, a beautiful, decadent wedding cake may very well bring you stupid amounts of joy and may be an understandable non-negotiable. If not, do you really need one? Will anyone care if it doesn’t appear or will they be more interested in the open bar? Does you cutting some flour and eggs that have been baked add to the sense of occasion?

DISCLAIMER

Everything stated below is, as most things are, completely subjective and only meant to prompt thought and ideation. I’m not bashing anyone who does the opposite to any of these, the whole point is that there is no right way to do things. You might hate some of the suggestions. They may be completely at odds with you / your vibe / your crowd. They may seem too tacky / sentimental / raucous / unnatural. Good. Trust your gut and do whatever the hell you want.

Above all - don’t let anyone else tell you what you should do. Me (random photographer from the internet) least of all.

ALSO - whenever you see a link, its typically to a wedding that showcases the point I’m trying to make.

A QUESTION - TO BRIDAL PARTY OR NOT TO BRIDAL PARTY

Do you need a bridal party? The answer may be an obvious yes, of course you do. You’ve been in them for your closest friends, you can’t wait to ask them to be in yours, and that is legitimately one of the things you are looking forward to. Hell. Yes.

On the other hand.

Some people don’t want them for a myriad of reasons. They don’t want to have to rank their friends. They don't feel it necessary, They just want it to be the two of them. Neither of these are wrong.

IF YOU WANT ONE - you don’t have to stick to gender rules as to who’s including. You don’t have to have everyone wearing matching everything. You can! You just don’t have to.

IF YOU DON’T - Don’t. But if you still want a way to recognise the friends you love the most without having the formality of a bridal party, something lots of people choose to do is to invite their closest friends to hang out and get ready together. It’s a nice way of saying hey, I love you, I want you to be a big part of this - without having the rigours of a bridal party. It can also just be fun and joyful and glorious to have your mates with you while you prepare for something that is probably giving you a few (good) nerves.

ON THAT NOTE - TIPS ON GETTING READY

Put your pants on one leg at a time.

Seriously though. A few random thoughts that can make the start of the day more of an experience.

Airbnb over hotels every day of the week. This is by and large the case with a few notable exceptions (I’m looking at you The Old Clare), but typically if you are renting somewhere to get ready, you get way more bang for your buck at an airbnb, but more importantly people tend to feel more comfortable in the space than in a hotel room with no character sitting on a bed.
Letters vs gifts. People often feel they should give gifts to one another to open on the morning of. If gifting if your love language, its a great idea. If it’s not but you still want to do something romantic, write each other a letter to be opened instead. It can be a perfect way of feeling connected with your partner whilst you aren’t physically together, whilst still keeping the suspense. It often ends in beautiful displace of emotion, weather that be laughter or tears, depending on what you are going for.
This might be a bit more of a cliche, but if theres anyone in particular who you want to have a moment to yourself with to express gratitude / simply bask in their presence, right after you get ready is normally a good time to do it. The shock of seeing you dressed in your dress / suit / whatever it is you go for often leads to some of the most sincere moments of the entire day. Ask your photographer / videographer to organise.
If you really want to buck tradition, get ready together, which is romantic in its own way.
If you’re wedding involves a groom and some mates who typically don’t take as long to get ready, go do something fun the morning of. Go to a driving range, go for a surf, go to a pub, play some video games, go record shopping.

SEE YOU AT THE END OF THE AISLE, OR MAYBE A BAR BEFOREHAND? THE FIRST LOOK CONUNDRUM

When I first started, I wasn’t sold on the first look. After the first one (my first first look for those playing at home) I was converted. For so many reasons. It’s not always logistically feasible, and to many people it’s important to them that they see their fiance for the first time that day at the end of the aisle, with all the requisite emotions and wonder and surprise that entails (completely rightly - there’s no wrong opinions here, am I making that clear enough yet?).

But lots of couples are opting to see one another, and just one another, before the ceremony. For a whole bunch of reasons.

To ease some tension / anxiety.
To have a moment where they see one another to bask in one another’s presence and laugh and embrace and cry without the confines of a ceremony or having a thousand pairs of eyes on them.
To have a bit more time to themselves before the (wonderfully and joyful and necessarily) chaotic part of the day kicks off to reflect on this big beautiful thing they are doing.
To get most of the photos out of the way before the ceremony so afterwards they can spend more time hanging with everyone.
To go grab a coffee and a cannoli.

Just the act of having a first look is always glorious in and of itself, and is almost always one of the best and most intensely emotional experiences of the day (the fact it just happens to make for great photos is secondary as the best photos inevitably come from the best experiences).

I’ll also take it a step further. If you have time, why not do something you both love together - like go to your favourite local food market and get a cannoli?

WE’RE OFF TO GET MARRIED - WHERE DO WE GO?

Typical wedding venues are great. They are (generally) beautiful, typically no how to run the hell out of a wedding, and take a lot of the stress out because you know (if they are good) they will crush it for you. 90% of my weddings take place in traditional venues and I love all of them. But you don’t have to do get married in a traditional wedding venue.

I’m not at all saying don’t consider these places by any means - they often are the best option - I’m just saying also consider all options and the fact you can (all these bullet points are links)

Choose somewhere that reflects you. That reflects your community. That makes you happy. That takes the stress out. Whatever your priorities are, follow them.

ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED - THE CEREMONY

I’ll keep it short and sweet here.

Do your own vows. Even if you aren’t a wordsmith. Even if you aren’t generally comfortable sharing infront of others. It can turn the ceremony from a standard affair to something super personal and amps up the emotion levels of everyone present by about 8000%. Just do them. Please.
If you don’t want to do your own vows infront of everyone - do them privately and just to each other. I sincerely believe that even the act of writing your own vows, not even saying them, of critically thinking about why you love this person and what you are promising to do for them and for you as a couple, can bring you closer together. Can make you grateful. Can foster intimacy.
Get a good celebrant. Getting a good celebrant is legit (in my humble opinion) one of the most important things you can do for your wedding. A ceremony shouldn’t be something you have to get through to get to the good stuff. It should be something memorable and beautiful and transcendent and additive in it’s own way. It should affirm why the hell the two of you love each other so much in the first place. It should move people and make them laugh and make them cry and entertain them. But. To do that, you need a celebrant who knows how. Who hasn’t been rehashing the same tired speech and tropes for 20 years. Get a good one.
If you’d rather a friend do your ceremony, just hire a stand in celebrant to say the two sentences they have to, and you are legal, good to go, and don’t have to do it on another day.

BRIDAL PARTY PORTRAITS

This may seem like a photography tip, but its an experience tip. If you really want to get lots of photos with your squad, and you have the time, do something fun. Go to the pub down the road. Bring a portable speaker play some music. I’ve aid it before and I’ll probably say it again before this is out, the best experiences make for the best photos. Have some fun, and that’ll translate.

GO ALL OUT ON ONE THING AND SAVE MONEY ELSEWHERE

This ones is admittedly a bit rogue, and definitely not for everyone, but its worth sharing anyway.

Don’t be afraid to go large for one thing if you think it could be a defining experience you want to gift your guests of yourself. It could be something extravagant as a surprise brass band to lead you and your guests down the street to the reception or to kick off the dancefloor, it could be a single bottle of your favourite wine for each table, it could be getting your favourite burger joint to deliver freshies at 11 PM when everyones had a few too many and is desperate for a feed. People won’t forget in a hurry.

WEDDINGS - A PLATFORM

This is subjective, but one of my favourite things about weddings is how - yes, they are largely about the two people at the centre of it all - but how they are also this rare platform to express gratitude and showcase all the love and relationships in your life. To say things, even if its not in words, that you never find the time or space to in day to day life.

Think about how you can show people that love. Express that gratitude. Maybe its during a speech. Maybe it’s a word with your dad during the start of the day. Maybe it’s as simple as (aforementionedly) asking people to come around and spend some time with you at the start of the day while you are getting ready and things are a little calmer. Small gestures can say a lot.

SUNSET / GENERAL PORTRAITS - BUT NOT WHY YOU THINK

Typically in Australian spring / summers sunset occurs during the reception, and I always recommend planning on ducking out for just 10 or 15 minutes right before the sun goes down to capture some of the more dramatic, striking images you simply can't get any other time of day (so yes, it’s great for photos).

But. Sincerely just as (if not more) importantly, this can also be a really great opportunity for the two of you to take step outside of the wedding moment and reflect on it all for a moment as opposed to be in it, if that makes any sense, and to check in with one another. Weddings can be such busy days that I regularly see people get to the end wondering where the day went, and it can be really important to take a quiet moment to yourselves reflect on the big, beautiful, hopeful, romantic and all round fucking rad thing you are doing before heading back inside and kicking off a rager.

RECEPTION TIPS FOR ALL

A few standalones.

Have a first dance. I get it, first dances might seem a little outdated to some, but its actually genuinely a phenomenal way to transition from the sit down dinner / stand up canapes and speeches part of the night into party mode. Ask all your guests to surround the dancefloor, and even if you only literally only do 30 seconds before asking the DJ to transition to a party banger, everyone will immediately bumrush the dancefloor, and the 30 minutes after the first dance is often (crowd depending) the most raucous time of party. It literally works every time.
Push yourself to do a speech. Combining a few remarks I’ve made above, your wedding speech is a rare public platform to express your love and gratitude to all the people in your life that you may never normally get the chance to. Similarly to writing your vows, just the act of thinking okay, I have to write a speech, who and what am I grateful for, can help strengthen relationships and make you feel grateful for so many things. Don’t let the opportunity pass you by. Again, if you are uncomfortable doing one - maybe write down what you would have said and give it to the people who you would have spoken about. People often worry about speeches going too long or taking up too much time. Rarely is it the case.
Bring out hot chips at 11 PM. Drunk people will froth.
Request a short video from people who can’t be there.

TIPS TO HELP YOU BE PRESENT

I’m a big believer that anything that makes you be more present and in the moment on the day is worth thinking about. The more present you are the more you will have the space to focus on all the beautiful, messy, emotional, drunken moments that are playing out in front of you and not thinking about logistics or how late x y or z is running.

A few miscellaneous tips to help.

Hire a wedding planner - I very intentionally tried to make as much of this not about selling anything in the industry, but a good wedding planner will literally pay for themselves in a myriad of ways. Do I believe all weddings need a planner? Not even close. Most don’t in fact. But, if having to co-ordinate a whole bunch of logistics on the day is going to cause you (or the people you have delegated to) stress. Outsourcing your stress to a wedding planner may be a great way to do that. If you’re interested, Chloe is probably your best place to start.
Schedule in a bit of downtime for you and your partner during the day. It can be during or after the photos. It can be while everyone else heads into the reception. Just scheduling in even 10 minutes to hang out with one another can really help ground you and reflect on how bloody glorious it all is.
THE END

If there’s anything you’ve gotten from this, let it be that there is literally no right or wrong way to do a wedding day. Its your’s. You can play with convention as much or as little as you want. Reject or accept as much of the traditions as you deem necessary. Just think about what feels true to you and make it happen.

TL;DR - Think, and then do you.

Want some more tips? See some Tips on writing a Runsheet, or a list of Sydney’s best celebrants.