SO, COVID-19 HAS FUCKED YOUR WEDDING PLANS

Fucking 2020. Jesus Christ. The curse may you live in interesting times has never wrung more true.

So, it looks seems like we are currently in the midst of (hopefully?) the most historically defining time most of us have / will ever live through.I don’t know about you, but it’s the god damn uncertainty that’s getting to me the most. How the hell are you supposed to plan what is most likely the biggest / most expensive event of your life when you don’t know what the next week will bring? And how the hell am I / we supposed to run a business that relies in a large part on people gathering in large numbers to exchange hugs, declarations of love, and all kinds of microbiotic goodies that desperately want new friends? None of this is to say that really, compared to most of the globe right now we comparatively have little to complain about. But that doesn’t make it any easier, nor the stress and anxiety any less valid or real.

First up, this is article is not trying to convince you of anything - postponing, eloping, forging ahead - just trying to help you make what is in most cases an unbelievably hard decision, and once you’ve made a decision, a few ideas for each of the options to make the most out of it all.

Disclaimer #1 - take everything here with a grain of salt the size of a walrus. With the rate things are changing this advice may all be redundant by next month, the end of the year, or in 17 minutes. No one knows which way things are going to go at this stage, let alone me.

Disclaimer #2 - I’m going to use the word meaning way too many fucking times over the next little while. Get used to it.

TO BEGIN

This has been written with the specific situation of 2020 in mind, but is also pretty applicable to just deciding how you want to get married in the first place.

Start from scratch. Throw all your preconceived notions about what your wedding day is going to look like in the bin (along with the rest of 2020 while you are at it) and start with nothing but the two of you, a celebrant, and a couple of witnesses. What aside from these are your absolute non-negotiables? What do you want most out of the day? Is it that you get married this year? That your grandparents are in attendance? That you can have 150 people in a place that means something to you? That it devolves (…or evolves) into all your favourite people having one hell of a party and exchanging hugs and smack talk on a dance floor? Write them down. Then have a conversation where you go through and question every one of them - not because any of them are inherently wrong or right, but because the act of critically engaging with your beliefs can help you figure out where you really stand. Some of them will cause an immediate “well, obviously we need this and don’t need to talk about it”, some might prompt discussion and make you realise what is actually important to you, verse what you just think is important to you because you haven’t yet interrogated it. Either way, you’ll probably come out the other side with a firmer grasp of what you want, which will help you decide what to do.

On that note - don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about your decisions, or tell you where you should derive meaning. If you choose to elope you will invariably have people tell you that you’re not thinking of your family and friends, if you choose to postpone you will have people asking why the hell you need such a big fancy wedding and don’t you know its all capitalism anyway, and if you choose to go forward and hope for the best people will tell you are burying your head in the sand. To hell with all of them. Do whatever will bring you the most joy and the least heartache.

MINDSET

My heart sincerely goes out to everyone frantically trying to decide what to do, and who has been thrown into all this emotional / financial turmoil. It’s fucking brutal. On the plus side, periods of intense stress tend to be clarifying.

As hard as it is, try as you might to see this as an opportunity. An opportunity to reflect, to slow down, to critically think about what you want and to prioritise. To look at what you had already planned and think – is this for us?

As much as it might sound like I’m preaching here, this advice is just as much for me as it is for you - I was wallowing in self pity and feeling quite untethered at the start of all this, and you know, it was probably necessary in a way. But as weirdly comforting as it might feel at the time, throwing yourself a little pity party ain’t going to change shit. 

2020 in a nutshell

PRACTICAL TIPS

Some boring but important (and probably obvious) things you should do first·     

• Check the latest government advice and restrictions - see here for the latest advice

• Check cancellation / postponement policies with your venue and all your vendors. Lots of people / vendors (myself included) are being super flexible due to this chaos but it pays to know. Check their policy if you cancel / postpone a few months or weeks out, their policy if you are forced to postpone due to a government mandate in the days / weeks preceding the wedding etc etc. 

ELOPING

So, you’ve been engaged for a while and you had a big wedding booked in, or were fantasising about one in your daydreams, thinking about all the people that would come from all over the place and share in this big momentous occasion with you. The thought of not having those people with you fills you with a sense of loss, but the thought of not marrying this person is even worse. Or maybe you see this as an excuse to have the intimate wedding you’ve always wanted.

I tend to believe both that life is inherently meaningless, and that that frees you up to place meaning wherever you choose. Things, events, days, moments, weddings - these things have meaning because we choose to give it to them. The most beautiful thing about eloping is that all the rules go out the window and you are left with a completely blank slate upon which to play and inscribe meaning.

Chris & Olga and a pretty epic spot in the Blue Mountians

LOCATION

Yes, you can do any of the classics. The beauty of eloping however means that you can literally get married almost anywhere you can imagine. Do you two hike a lot? Go to your favourite lookout at a National Park. Start every day with a swim together? Go for a morning swim and watch the sun rise over the ocean, then walk out, have a celebrant marry you on the beach followed by a champagne breakfast for two. Have a favourite restaurant or a fancy one you’ve been meaning to get to forever? Go get married in the park near you house that you walk through every day and then take your closest out for an intimate degustation at Quay.

The point is, be creative with it. The more thought you put into it, the more it will mean.

People

Have just the two of you and some witnesses, or invite a handful of your closest people. It’s up to you. Some idea’s if not everyone can be there. These are also obviously applicable·

• Zoom - obvious one, but I'll add the caveat that I've seen people, after the ceremony, have a friend in charge of splitting all your guests into break out rooms of similar people so you can spend some time with everyone in a way.

• Speeches - I've seen people's family who can't be there give speeches over zoom. You two could do something too if you felt it appropriate. Otherwise, you could write the particularly important people letters outlining whatever you would have said in a speech to them to be opened on the day, and send them all the same bottle of wine you are going to drink afterwards. 

Maybe that sounds too overly sentimental, and facetiming and doing tequila with people you want to recognise the occasion with sounds more up your alley. These are just some imperfect ideas, but the point is with a bit of creativity you can still elope / have a small wedding and create moments to celebrate and share with other people too, and feel their presence even if you can’t physically embrace them. Yes, this might take a bit of extra work, but the older I get the more I realise fostering relationships and connection takes work, and the undeniable value of big gestures.

Also, maybe you just want it to be about the two of you and you don’t want anyone involved and there’s nothing wrong with that either.  Maybe you just want to design the ultimate date day where you do a bunch of your favourite things together and up married at the end of it.

 ELOPE NOW - PARTY LATER

See above, but add a party to be held when hugging lots of people in public no longer makes you somewhat of a social pariah.

Lots of people are choosing to do this - eloping or having a downsized wedding on their original date at home or at a much smaller venue, and then transferring their venue booking to sometime in the future to still gather all the people they care about together. Win win. 

FORGE AHEAD

Here’s something a client sent me on IG when I was talking about all this that I think sums up pretty well how a lot of people are feeling.

“I’ve been having some interesting conversations about it though. It’s made me realise what, for me, the point of our wedding is. For me, it’s to have all my favourite people in the one place on the one day sharing in hugs and kisses and dance floor grooves. Dan and I are solid and the actual formal “marriage” part of the day day, being the certificate, means less to me given it won’t change our actual relationship.

I want to say my vows infront of people who will hold me to account I want to shout my love for Dan from the rooftops (or paddock, as planned). For all my mates to hear and see (and for Dan to blush and get all weird). I already tell him all the time how much he means to me so for me, the specialty of getting married married is doing it with an audience for once.”

Keep in mind you may have to downside somewhat depending on your venue and the restrictions in place at the time. Most are (now) getting away with their original numbers or close to, You can even intentionally take a bigger downsize and have it in your backyard.

Michelle and Gonzalo downsized from a enormous wedding at the National Art School to a 20 person afternoon in their backyard, complete with rotating shifts of friends and family to celebrate with the most people possible whilst adhering to the guidelines.

Left - the ceremony. Right, Michelle clearly looking upset at their decision. Here’s a link to a blog post about it if you want some more inspo / content, but suffice to say they turned what threatened to be a big source of grief (they are particularly community minded people) into an absolute cracking joy filled day.

The lack of a full-fledged dancefloor has understandably rankled a lot of people, but it’s also forced people to be a bit more creative with reception downtime. I’ve seen trivia, card and board games on tables, roving (…intermittently cleaned) microphones for karaoke and lawn games all make much more regular appearances since all this has hit.

POSTPONING

 You’ve had this vision in your head for the longest time of what it’s going to be, and sadly that just isn’t possible with the current restrictions. I get it.

First things first make sure you check your venue / vendors postponement policies.

That being said, I still think it’s important to mark the day somehow. This can turn it from (potentially) a source of despondency and frustration into an affirming, beautiful experience in and of itself. I’ve done photoshoots with a few couples to celebrate things on their original date, but it can just as easily be a weekend away, a good meal where you reflect on each other and what you have to be grateful for etc. Or you know, go get drunk on expensive wine and have a blowout. Whatever works..

IN SUMMARY

At the end of the day, do whatever feels right for you, for your partner, for each other, for your community. There’s no right or wrong answer here. Just a chance to strip back all the fluff, all the expectations and all the competing noise and figure out what’s important to the two of you, and don’t apologise for it.

If there’s anything I want you to get out of this it’s that with a bit of creativity and lateral thinking you can still pull off something truly epic and as meaningful as ever. Yes, it might be a bit harder and require a bit more though and effort, but the best things always do.

All in all, fuck anyone that tells you where you should derive meaning (myself included). Do whatever the hell brings you joy.

Bonus holy shit what the fuck even is my life anymore toolkit

Speaking from very personal experience, the last few months have been a rollercoaster, but have also provided a lot of perspective. Here’s a few resources that have prompted a lot of introspection and / or provided a lot of comfort for me. These are, to be honest, only tangentially related to all the above at best but have been resources I’ve found immensely helpful, so why the hell not. Links are the italicised text.

Science of Happiness Podcast - Have become a bit of a Sam Harris fanboy over the last few months, this podcast is a longform interview with an associate professor or psychology at Yale who studies, amongst other things, the science of well being which is currently the most popular course at Yale. So good I listened to it twice on the first day I heard it. Full of actionable wisdom.

Interview with Alain de Botton - I’ve honestly listened to this once every 6 months for the last few years. Practical philosophy for every day life.

Headspace - After struggling with meditation for years and not really “getting it” this is is now how I start every single day, and the benefits are astounding

How to Build a Life - Series of articles from the Atlantic on topics ranging from the dangers of prioritising success to identifying what meaningful work looks like to you.

If you have any questions about any of the above, want some advice, or just want to run something by someone who’s seen a lot of weddings, feel free to email me at hello@thesaltyshutter.com, or DM me on IG @thesaltyshutter.

Hope this helped. If you think it’d help someone you know who’s currently going through all this, please share it with them.

Dane